Can Be Made Whole!
Victor J. Adamson (A pseudonym)
had asked me nine years ago why I had chosen to be gay, I
would have answered you as I did countless times before, "I
did not choose to be gay! I chose to be a Seventh-day Adventist
Christian. I chose to be educated in Seventh-day Adventist
Christian schools. I chose to be a student missionary. I chose
to earn a degree in Theology and to graduate with honors.
I chose to marry a Seventh-day Adventist young lady. I chose
to have Seventh-day Adventist babies. I did not choose to
be gay! I just finally came to grips with reality and accepted
the fact that I was gay. I came to believe that I was born
after my "coming out" of the closet and experiencing the devastating
breakup of my home, I dared anyone to tell me that my "condition"
was a matter of choice. I had made all the right "choice"
in my life. While struggling with the nagging yearnings of
my heart, I had prayed relentlessly that God would "Create
in me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within me."
I wanted God to help me to love and to be in love with my
wife. But, all my efforts were of no avail.
I succumbed to those nagging yearnings and fell into the "gay"
life of homosexual relationships, totally convinced that my
"condition," or "behavior," was not the result of my willful
choice. What Christian would willingly choose to be so radically
out of sync with society, and the church? I had to be either
the victim of my own environment, or just born that way.
friends, and family all thought of me as a gentle person,
thoughtful and considerate of others. In their eyes I was
intelligent, likeable, courteous, and talented in many areas.
Most of all, I was known to be deeply spiritual.
Tensions of My "Gay" Lifestyle
entering the "gay" lifestyle, I still live up to that image,
except that I was no longer "deeply spiritual." I refused
to be a hypocrite. There was no way I could reconcile my homosexuality
with the calling to be part of the Remnant people who love
God and keep His commandments. To me the Bible was very clear
in teaching that "homosexual offenders" will not enter the
Kingdom of God (1 Cor. 6:9).
back upon the years spent in the "gay" lifestyle, I can honestly
say that my life became full of disgusting, depraved, and
perverted behavior. Like every homosexual I knew, I became
lustful and obsessed with sex. In public and among friends,
however, I masterfully maintained the image of a decent, gentle,
thoughtful, polite, considerate person, both loving and lovable.
returning to God, for sixteen years I blamed Him for everything
wrong with my life, especially my homosexuality, because I
had prayed that He would take it away, and He had not. So,
I reason, It was God's fault, not my own if I was "gay."
those self-serving years of "love," promiscuity, pleasure,
self-exaltation, and self-gratification, I experienced much
loneliness, misery and heartache. However, my parents and
family never made me feel unloved, unappreciated, or unaccepted.
In His mercy and patience, the Lord worked through my family
members to reveal to me the true meaning of unconditional
love toward me, a sinner, without condoning my sinful lifestyle.
They manifested their unconditional love and acceptance, not
only toward me, but also toward my friends and lovers. Their
unconditional acceptance of me demonstrated the meaning of
Jesus' words: "Neither do I condemn thee. "In their loving
acceptance, however, they did not dismiss the rest of Jesus'
statement: "go, and sin no more" (John 8:11).
Troubling Questions and a Dream
acceptance of my family members eventually led me to stop
blaming God for my condition. Instead, I began to look honestly
at myself. After all, I thought, I can blame God all my life
and still be lost. I asked myself: "What is the point is to
pretend there are no consequences to my lifestyle, or that
I could be saved in spite of it?" Gradually I became aware
that I was deceiving myself. I needed to stop running and
hiding from God, seek instead guidance in His Word.
"All who endeavor to excuse or conceal their sins, and permit
them to remain upon the books of heaven, unconfessed and unforgiven,
will be overcome by Satan (GC 620), seem to speak to my own
predicament. That was me. I had become totally overcome by
to think, "Wouldn't it be tragic to find myself standing some
day outside the New Jerusalem, with "a good excuse." For several
years I was troubled by a recurring dream in which I experienced
the horror of being lost as I gazed into the face of Jesus
coming in the clouds of glory. Apparently Jesus used this
dream to reach out to me, a homosexual, saying, "My son, give
me thine heart, before it is too late." Incidentally, since
coming back to Him, I have never experienced again the nightmare
of that dream!
warns us about the fate of the wicked, saying, "Depart from
me, you evildoers. . . .you cursed, into eternal fire prepared
for the devil and his angels" (Matthew 7:23; 25:41). Tragically,
the lake of fire will contain an innumerable host whom God
dearly loves unconditionally. He loves them so much that He
gave His only begotten Son that they need not perish. But
they choose to reject the gift of eternal life. God honors
their choice. The result is their eternal separation from
the Source of eternal life.
Challenge of Beginning a New Life
reasoning and logic, I prayerfully studied God's Word to find
either justification for my homosexuality, or the remedy for
it. Try as I might, I could not find justification anywhere
in God's word for continuing my homosexual lifestyle. More
I studied Scripture and more I became convinced that God designed
marriage to be a union of one man with one woman, the two
becoming one flesh.
relationship of a man with a man or a woman with a woman cannot
fulfill God's purpose for marriage. Furthermore, the Scripture
condemns same sex relationships as "abomination" (Lev. 20:13),
which will prevent entrance into God's Kingdom (1 Cor 6:9-10).
These and other texts convinced me that there was no way for
me to legitimize my homosexual lifestyle.
presumptuous for me to live as though I had the gift of eternal
life when in reality I was knowingly earning the wages of
sin "death." As I began pondering my eternal destiny, gradually
I became convinced that my life had to be changed. But, I
felt powerless to make that change. In retrospect, I can understand
that the sense of helplessness resulting from my violating
God's moral principles, was designed to awaken within me a
realization of my need for a Savior.
helplessness I found reassurance in the fact that God is the
omnipotent Creator and Re-Creator of our lives. Through the
enlightening of His Word and the enabling power of His Spirit,
I sensed that I could be cleansed and made whole. I came to
realize that it does not matter whether I was born homosexual
or I had chosen to become one. Every descendant of Adam is
born with tendencies to sin. I gained reassurance in the promise
that God's grace could enable me to overcome both inherited
and cultivated sinful tendencies.
continued to study and pray, I sensed more and more God's
unconditional love for me, though I was a homosexual. I sensed
that no matter how sinful my past had been, God could forgive
and cleanse me. What I needed to do was to develop a hate
for sin and a love for truth and righteousness.
given the assurance in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 that I could be
cured of my homosexuality. Paul speaks of this very sin, among
others, when he says: "And such WERE some of you [past tense];
but ye ARE washed [present tense], but ye ARE sanctified,
but ye ARE justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, [How?]
and by the Spirit of our God."
continued my self-evaluation, I came to realize more and more
that I had been deceived into thinking that I was living a
life of freedom, when in actuality I had been in terrible
bondage. What I desperately needed, was not freedom from God's
law, but freedom from the bondage of sin: my addictive sexual
perversion. Such freedom became possible through the enabling
power of God's grace which can bring "into captivity every
thought to the obedience of Christ" (2 Cor 10:5). Thank God
for His amazing grace that restored a sinner like me into
the family of God and made me a productive, working member
of His cause.
the greatest challenge in beginning a new life, was convincing
my Adventist fellow believers that by God's grace I was no
longer a homosexual. My attitude and sexual orientation had
changed. How distressing it was for me to hear ministers and
laity alike discrediting my conversion experience by saying,
"Sure, I believe in victory over sin. But gay people never
change! I have never known anyone coming out of the gay lifestyle
who has remained straight for more than two years! Beware
of him and to keep your children away from him." Such critical
comments reveal a lack of faith in God's power to forgive
us and to cleanse penitent sinners from all sinful practices,
comments I often heard from fellow believers, caused me to
search my soul and frequently ask myself: "Have my feelings
and emotions toward men miraculously changed upon my conversion?
Have I really experienced a radical change of attitude, a
psychological change in my sexual orientation? Or, do I still
have the same gender orientation?
questions are of paramount importance for those who are sincerely
seeking for deliverance from besetting sins of whatever nature.
They deserve a definitive explanation. But the answer is not
always easy to find, especially when someone, like myself,
had undergone a traumatic experience. I terminate my relationship
with the man whom I deeply loved. My feelings and emotions
toward him at all had not changed, but my attitude toward
the Man Jesus Christ and the teachings of His Word had radically
Struggle of a New Life
faced with a choice between my male lover and the Man Jesus,
I decided to follow my Savior, regardless of consequences.
Like the words of the popular hymn, for me it became a matter
of "Trust and Obey." I began to trust my Creator, realizing
that "Father truly does know best." And in this ever increasing
trust, I began to obey Him in spite of my feelings and emotions,
knowing that His will for me was for my own present and eternal
the biblical truth that "the just shall live by faith," not
by feelings and emotions. In practicing this Biblical principle,
I discovered that the right feelings and emotions did not
emerge immediately. They came gradually as I learned to accept
by faith the will of my Creator for my life. Had I waited
until I had gained victory over my sinful inclinations before
trusting and obeying Christ, then I no longer need a Savior!
homosexual, I needed to be saved from my sin, just as an unfaithful
spouse, a thief, a murderer, or a liar need to be saved from
their sins. Salvation from sin is not a human achievement,
but a divine provision of grace. It is a work of work of divine
therapy, reprogramming, redirection, recreation.
behind the love of my sinful life, I entered my new world
as a helpless, newborn babe. As an infant begins his life
with inherited tendencies to evil, I began my new life with
all the same tendencies I had cultivated during my previous
life. But, trusting God, my Father and Christ, my Savior,
I renounced my homosexuality and submitted myself to divine
directives and sought fellowship within the family of God.
principle that I learned was to "protect my new environment."
The inherited and cultivated evil tendencies are somewhat
like a ravenous lion seeking whom he may devour. That "beast"
must be starved while another, the Lamb of God, is to be nurtured
and cultivated. Evil must be replaced with good. Perverted
feelings and emotions can be gradually starved out and replaced
by right feelings and emotions when we follow the instructions
laid out for us in the "Operator's Manual" given us by the
Creator of sexuality.
struggle I faced when I decided to turn my back upon everything
and everyone I had known, reminded me of the struggle I faced
when fleeing from God earlier in my life. I had to separate
myself totally from the gay scene and lifestyle, fleeing from
them for my very life, as it were fleeing from doomed Sodom
a new life surrounding myself with everything I knew to be
right for me. These were not necessarily everything I wanted
around me! But, no Christian can afford to depend on what
feels right. Neither could I! The spiritual mind is to rule
over and bring into subjection the lusts of the flesh.
the Avenues of My Mind
the importance of guarding well the avenues to my mind, by
not placing myself in the path of temptation. This entails
being careful over what I watch, what I read, and what I listen
to. It requires a daily determination not to give Satan any
advantage over me. Like the apostle Paul, I, too, must "die
daily" (1 Cor 15:21), and continue to "pommel my body and
subdue it, lest after preaching to others I myself should
be disqualified (1 Cor. 9:27).
Satan plants those impure thoughts and desires into the heart,
(and he does...!), God's enabling grace is sufficient for
my struggle against homosexuality. His grace enables me, as
Paul puts it, to bring "into captivity every thought to the
obedience of Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5). I practice using my power
of choice to "turn the page," and to "change the subject."
God helps me do this, when I place my will in His hands.
injunction to "Submit yourself therefore to God. Resist the
devil, and he will flee from you" (James 4:7), has become
very meaningful to me. When tempted, I repeat the words of
Philippians 4:8: "Whatsoever things are true, ...honest, ...just,
whatsoever things are pure, ...lovely, ...of good report;
if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think
on these things."
principle I learned to put into practice is to accept with
gratitude the gift of a female companion offered to me by
God. In the Garden of Eden, God created a woman, not a man,
as an helpmate for Adam. In His infinite wisdom and love God
gave man the gift of a woman to be by his side. There was
no better alternative. God did not make a mistake. He knew
what He was doing when He designed a female partner for man.
Can we not trust God with His own creative plan?
to great lengths to provide for man the wonderful gift of
a woman. Some of men have turned up their noses at this gift,
and, instead, burn in their own lust for one another (Rom
1:27). I was one of them. Did God stop loving me? No! Of course
not! He continued to love me though I chose to use my sexuality
to love a man rather than a woman. It is with great disappointment
that the Creator sees men perverting the intended use of their
not a sin for a person to live without the gift of a marital
partner. For different reasons many people end up living their
entire lives without the pleasures of marriage. But it is
wrong for people to indulge in sexual behavior outside of
marriage. And it is wrong for us men to pervert the gift of
our sexuality which was designed for a procreational and relational
functions. It is equally wrong for a woman to lust and covet
after another woman whom God has created for man. It has taken
time for me to learn to be grateful to god for what He has
provided for my best interest.
to overcoming the sin of homosexuality, or any other besetting
sin, is to be found in helping someone else to overcome sin.
This premise is based upon the Biblical principle for happiness:
self-less-ness. True happiness comes in helping someone else
to be happy: Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last, creates
the acronym for JOY.
far from home in the land of his captivity, never forgot this
principle. "How can I do this great wickedness and sin against
God?" he cried as he fled from the temptation of Potiphar's
wife. His concern was not "fear of punishment," nor was it
"hope of reward." No; his faithfulness in obedience resulted
in disgrace and confinement in a dungeon. Joseph's concern
was a total self-less interest in the will and honor of his
God; regardless of consequences. He also loved and honored
his master Potiphar, putting his master's interests above
heavenly host are focused upon the happiness and well-being
of others, including you and me. Except for sinful man, all
unfallen creatures live for the benefit of the rest of creation.
This principle of self-less-ness has been of great value in
the process of reconditioning myself from my former homosexual
lifestyle It has helped me to abandon the old practice of
self-gratification, seeking instead fulfillment within the
sacred realm of marriage.
these and other Biblical principles, I have become totally
comfortable in my new life as a heterosexual. The thought
of returning to my old life has become foreign and repugnant
to me. Submitting myself to divine reconditioning and therapy
has truly resulted in a new creation. And I rejoice in the
words of Paul about my new life in Christ: "Therefore if any
man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed
away; behold, all things are become new" (2 Cor 5:17)
Christians doubt that this promise can be true for the homosexual
as well as for anyone else? My new victorious heterosexual
life is a testimony to the power of God to save people from
the depth of their sins. And I praise Him every day for demonstrating
the power of His grace in forgiving, cleansing, and renewing
and renewing my life, the Savior has commissioned me in the
same words He spoke to the cleansed demoniac in Mark 5:19,
"Go home to thy friends, and tell them how great things the
Lord hath done for thee, and hath had compassion on thee."
Accordingly, I love to tell the story through the spoken word
and my published autobiography That Kind Can Never change!
Can They? of how the Lord has rescued me from the depths of
degradation, into a new life of service for Him.
story of my pilgrimage from bondage to freedom, is designed
to encourage not only homosexuals seeking divine deliverance,
but also anyone struggling with besetting sins of whatever
nature. In this book I share those Biblical principles which
have helped me to gain victory over homosexuality and now
sustain me in heterosexuality.
I wish to testify that my life was changed not through human
reasoning, logic, philosophy and counseling, but through the
Word of God and the saving grace of Jesus Christ. By His grace,
this homosexual prodigal child has been delivered from his
sin and redirected into a productive and fruitful new life
of service as a Seventh-day Adventist minister of the gospel.
I am happily married with children.
the Lord for His compassion, mercy and marvelous power manifested
in saving even me from my life of sin! To those who believe
that gay people never change, may I say: "Yes, they can change.
God's transforming power and grace can make them whole. This
is what He did for me."
is provided by permission of Dr. Samuele Bacchiocchi, author
of Endtime Issues Newsletter (see www.biblicalperspectives.com).